Expressway to the Couch
by LadySophieKitty
Summary: You'd think magic would be the perfect way to soothe a pregnant woman. Not if you happen to be James Potter and Sirius. So what happens when James and Sirius spend sleepless days trying to give Lily what she wants and make the torture end?
1. Chapter 1

Summery- James Potter: Husband of a hormonal pregnant woman and soon to be a dead lump of flesh. You'd think magic would be the perfect way to soothe the soul of a pregnant woman. Not if you happen to be James Potter and his best mate, Sirius Black. Not when you go days upon days figuring out how to make _her _happy again, _her_ being Lily Potter, who was known infamously at Hogwarts for a fiery temper and irrational patience. Or lack there of. So what happens when James, aided by Sirius Black, probably the world's biggest prat in the female eye, spend sleepless nights and ever-lasting days trying desperately to give Lily what she desires? Magic won't help them now, here in this hilarious work, Expressway to the Couch.

Expressway to the Couch

Chapter One

James sighed happily. Even though it was a time of great unhappiness, with Voldemort massacring several people, James was finally with the girl of his dreams, who was pregnant with their first child. James' best friend, Sirius (also known as Padfoot, or when James wanted to be annoying, Paddy) had teased him mercilessly about it of course. "Finally settling down, eh Prongs? Next thing you know, you'll be sitting in a rocking chair, smoking cigarettes, telling everyone in hearing distance stories of when you were a young lad."

"Yes I would, Paddy, if I lived in the last century." James had agreed.

"I am mortally offended." Sirius replied, hand against his heart, with a mock sad expression on his face. He had stayed in that position for a couple seconds before both burst out into laughter. James chuckled as he recalled, and picked a piece of grass from where he was lying down, and chewed on it. Yup, he could always count on Sirius to make him laugh again when times were hard.

"James!" Lily cried from inside the house.

"The missus is calling." A voice said behind James said, making him jump. Speaking of the devil.

"You better make sure she doesn't hear you saying that. Speaking of which, don't you think you are taking her invitation of coming any time too seriously?" James warned, saying the last part jokingly.

"James!" Lily called again, sounding irritated.

"You know the saying 'Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned'? They should add in pregnant before woman. That would have been more accurate." Sirius commented, before picking an apple from a nearby tree and taking a huge bite out of it.

"Coming!" James shouted, ignoring Sirius and smiling as he realized he sounded like a child replying to his mother. Of course, in a way Lily was his mother. She watched over everything he did, and scolded him if necessary.

Once inside the small cottage Lily had inherited from her grandmother, Lily came over, stomach huge, and gave James a quick peck on the cheek.

"Dinner is on the table." She said, and walked over to the table herself. James noted that the table was set for three. Then again, Sirius was over so much these days pretty soon they would need to set up a room for him. Not that he minded. He loved hanging out with his old friend, the only friend he saw much these days since Remus had gone in search of a job, and who knew where Peter was these days? It was almost as if Peter had disappeared from the face of the earth, and had only showed up to go to James' and Lily's wedding.

As he sat down at his spot of the table on the side (even though the husband usually sat at the head of the table, James knew it was Lily who was really in charge) he noticed Sirius was glancing suspiciously at his sandwich. But James wasn't the only one to notice this, Lily noticed too.

"What's wrong?" asked Lily, sounding almost hurt.

"It's tuna." Sirius said slowly.

"So? I thought you liked all kinds of sandwiches."

"But you're a vegetarian."

"I know, I know, but the doctor said it would be healthier if I ate meat. Besides, how do you know my eating diet?"

"Well, back when James was in his stalker phase- ouch! I mean, at your wedding you were giving Jimmie here a hard time about him ordering meat plates as well as a vegetarian one." Sirius said, glaring at James, who had an innocent expression on his face. But when he saw Lily's furious expression, he took a bite without another word. James, eager to change the subject, said brightly to Lily, "Look how big you're getting! Soon we'll need to get more clothes!"

Lily had tears in her eyes (something that shocked James. The only time he had ever seen her cry was at her parent's funeral) and said slowly, "Are you saying I'm fat?"

James giggled nervously. Lily angry was not a pleasant experience, and often times after an argument he would wonder if he would make it to old age, or if she would kill him long before then. "Not at all, darling. You aren't fat, just pregnant." But he could tell this was the wrong thing to say. Without a word, Lily got up and threw both his and Sirius's sandwich away, and stormed up to her room, slamming the door.

"Nice going, mate." Sirius said sarcastically as he got up to make himself something to eat. James just stayed where he was, stunned.

A/N- This was a response to LadySophieKitty's (my own) challenge on the forums. This should be short, nor more than five chapters. I hope you enjoy, and please give me feedback!


	2. Chapter 2

Expressway to the Couch

Chapter Two

That evening, James went to bed as soon as he could. He wanted to be asleep by the time Lily came up so that he wouldn't have to hear her yell, along with the uncomfortable silence that soon followed. He was used to having to do that, and not because of Lily either. Peter snored loudly, and there was no chance of anyone falling asleep after he did.

"James. JAMES!" Lily shouted, poking her was-sleeping husband mercilessly.

"Wazzgoinon?" James asked thickly.

"I want pocky! Strawberry flavored pocky!"

"Can't you get it yourself?" James asked stupidly. If he had been more awake, he would have known better to ask that, but it took James a while to wake up fully.

"JAMES HARRY POTTER, AM I PREGNANT WITH YOUR CHILD OR NOT?" Lily roared. James wondered why he used to find her being angry so wonderful. Maybe it was because it usually wasn't right after he woke up. Or causing him lack of sleep.

"I'll take that as a no then." James muttered, slowly getting out of bed. For some reason he remembered what Sirius said yesterday. 'Hell hath no fury like a pregnant woman scorned." If only Sirius was here to see exactly how true that was.

Once he had put some clothes on over his pajamas, James crept downstairs. He didn't know why, since the only two people in his house were awake, but it probably had something to do with the dark, and how James was used to creeping around hours all were supposed to be asleep.

But to his surprise, there was a big lump on the couch.

"Sirius?" The lump moved slightly.

"Are you awake?"

"It would be impossible after that. You really shouldn't get her so wound up, mate. It isn't healthy."

James sighed. "Yeah, I know. But she has a weird craving for pocky. And not just any pocky, strawberry pocky. You know, the Japanese (I think it's Japanese anyway) treat, with the bread stick thing with a coat of flavored cream on top?" James added, once he saw the confused expression on Sirius' face.

"Oh yeah! You got that for my birthday one year. That was good! Can I come?" Sirius asked eagerly, jumping out of bed. James was amused to see that Sirius hadn't even changed into his pajamas, but stayed in his clothes from the day before. The men got jackets from the closet near the door, and left. Since it was quite chilly out, James and Sirius were both glad they had jackets. They walked in silence for a while, and not an uncomfortable silence, but rather a silence two people have when they know each other so well, no words need to be said. Finally Sirius broke the silence.

"You know mate, I reckon that once Lily has her baby, we should get a job. I mean, our inheritance will only make it so long." James looked at Sirius, shocked. Was Sirius really considering the future? Was he really being responsible? After a moment, James grinned. Nah, Sirius just wanted to have an excuse to bring up the subject of being aurors, which would then lead to playing aurors. Well, James wouldn't disappoint him.

"Yeah, we could be aurors. We'll be like the power rangers, only the power of two, and not wearing brightly colored tights."

"And manlier of course."

Yeah, manlier." And then the two men, or two boys really, proceeded to play auror, complete with bad guys trying to take over the world, hot girls (for Sirius, of course), and more.

Once they had reached the place where several people could hear and see, they reluctantly stopped. Both were distracted from their reluctance once they stepped into the candy section of the store.

"Reckon we should send some chocolate to Remus? Poor bloke needs it after searching for a job for so long." Sirius suggested, picking up a bar of Hershey's chocolate longingly. James nodded his approval, and picked up a couple boxes of strawberry pocky, in case Lily got the idea in her head to try to wake him up again for more. Once the chocolate and pocky had been paid for, they stepped back outside and began to walk home. That is, until Sirius stopped James.

"Can we do the swearing thing?" Sirius asked, pointing in the direction of two phone booths.

"You always want to do the swearing thing."

"Well, I was disowned for being a 'muggle lover', so I might as well act like one. Besides, we both know you like it as much as I do." It was true about Sirius acting like one. Ever since they had graduated from Hogwarts, Sirius and James had been intent to do things like watch TV and listen to the radio, and fun stuff like that. In fact, that was how they knew about the Power Rangers.

James pondered for a moment. He knew what his answer was going to be, he just liked to keep Sirius (who was hopping around in a way that would make most people think he had to go to the bathroom) in suspense.

"Fine." James consented at last. They walked over to the pay phones, and stepped into separate booths. They had played this game so many times, they had the phone number memorized. Sirius called James, and after two rings James picked up.

"How dare you call me, you -----" James pressed a number to make a beeping sound.

"Why don't you go --- yourself, ---" They went on in this fashion until an old woman passing by started scolding them about their "foul language". James and Sirius laughingly walked home, not realizing that they had left the pocky at the phone booth. Oh boy, wasn't Lily going to be mad…


	3. Chapter 3

Expressway to the Couch

Chapter Three

"Well, where's my pocky?"

That was the first thing an eager looking Lily said as James and Sirius walked into the door. She looked like a child eager for the parent to give her some candy. It truly was amazing how much being pregnant could change a person. 

James searched the bag, only to find the pocky wasn't there. He searched his pockets - nothing. Where was the bloody thing? 

"It's right, er… I was sure I had it right here... " James said, feeling nervous. Lily's eyes told him to go on. Sirius noticed, and held out the candy bar.

"We, erm, we bought you candy!" Sirius held out the candy bar intended for Remus. Lily growled, sounding like some sort of predator. Like some sort of prey, James ran back outside where he would stay until it was safe. That is to say, when the storm that was Lily's temper calmed. Sirius stayed where he was, clinging by the small hope that she would accept the chocolate. When Lily growled at him, he fled too, with a small squeal of fright.

Once outside, he went to where James was. "Well, I'm out of here. Don't worry, I'll be sure to be the one to say the final words."

"The final words?" James inquired, looking puzzled.

"'Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to mourn for the death of James Harold Potter, killed by the wrath of his own wife," Sirius said before Apparating with a loud POP! just as James lurched at him in anger.

After a couple of moments, James decided it was safe enough to go back in. The moment he stepped inside, he heard Lily's voice yelling him back up against the door.

"All I asked you to do was one simple thing - one! And you couldn't do it! Why did I have to be cursed with a husband like you? Ugh, I can't even stand being in the same room as you. That's it, Mister; you are sleeping on the couch tonight! And you better start acting right if you ever want to see the bed again!" Lily said, her voice deadly, as she went back upstairs to the bedroom.

That's when James knew Lily was really mad. Like, REALLY mad. He sighed. What was the big deal? It was just pocky. It wasn't like it was the end of the world or anything. Women… Can't live with them, certainly can live without them. In fact, no women increased chance of survival.

James sighed and went to the couch, grateful for the fact that at least he didn't have to spend time making the bed, since Sirius had made it. And at least he didn't have to share it with Sirius. If he did the latter, there would be no covers – there wouldn't even a bed. Sirius would push him off within seconds of falling asleep.

James sat down and heard a loud crunch. He frowned. What could that be? He slid is hand under the cushion only to find a box of crumbled pocky. But hey, crumbled pocky was better than no pocky, right?

He went upstairs and knocked softly on Lily's door.

"Darling? I have pocky here for you." The door opened slightly, only enough room for Lily to grab the box and throw it on the bed.

"I don't want pocky! I want kumquats!"

James sighed. 'Here we go again,' he thought bitterly. 'This better be one good baby.'

The walk was a lot longer this time, since there was no Sirius to tease and play with, and it was no fun playing Auror by himself. By the time he had gotten the kumquats and had returned home, he was about ready to pass out from exhaustion.

"Lily, dear?"

He knocked on her door hesitantly. What if she sent him out yet AGAIN? When there was no answer, James opened the door cautiously. There was Lily, fast asleep. That would have been a good thing, except for the fact that she was lying down across the side, not up and down. That meant that she took up James's side as well. She was too heavy to move with her swelled belly, and James knew better than to wake her. He laid the kumquats down on the bedside table and slowly walked downstairs.

Apparently it was the couch after all.


End file.
